Afraid

There are things that have frightened me since I was little. 
Monkeys in my bed at night.  The lion that would roar from my parents' room at night.  (I later discovered that this was my Dad snoring)  Spiders.  Being lost.  Bugs crawling in my ears while I sleep.  (I still sleep with covers over my ears, with the blankets tucked firmly around my shoulders.  It drives Dan crazy.)   Elephantitis.  Heights.  Jumping from heights.  Walking home from the barn in the dark.  Dogs.  Falling down a well. 
When I was little, my Dad would take us to visit an older lady in our ward.  Her little body was bent over and twisted with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  It terrified me. 
After I had Heidi, every joint in my body felt like it was splitting apart.  The doctor had tests done for rheumatoid arthritis, but they came back negative.  I left it at that. 
Meanwhile, my psoriasis stealthily took over my scalp. 
During the last few years, I have felt a slow but steady falling aparted-ness.  I attributed it to my advanced age and my general lack of physical exercise and Ruebenesque weight.  I had carpel tunnel release surgery in my left hand to relieve the numbness I have there.  I've been through physical therapy for my shoulder and my knees.  I lost 16 pounds.
When we went to Idaho for this past Thanksgiving, my ankles swelled on the trip there.  Gasp!  It was like I had Elephantitis.  Even my mom was a little alarmed.  Ever since then, my ankles swell at the drop of a hat.  My feet get so swollen that some days my toes can't even touch the floor.  My left hand can't clasp into a fist.  My elbows ache like crazy.  My toes are hot and tender to the touch.
Today I proclaimed it "Enough is enough" day.  Plus it is the last day to take advantage of meeting our deductible. 
I went to the doctor.  Yeah.  None of what I'm going through is normal.  She asked if any of my family has arthritis.  I said no, but then none of them have psoriasis which is a genetic thing too.  Ahh....  And now it makes sense.  Perhaps it is Psoriatic Arthritis.  I got a lot of blood work done today.  I get to make an appointment with a rheumatologist for further testing. 
I'm frightened that the tests will come back positive.  Psoriatic Arthritis can be just as damaging to the joints as Rheumatoid Arthritis.  It means living on medication for the rest of my life.  Medications which can damage the liver.  It means that this exhaustion that I feel on a daily basis isn't just that I'm not getting enough sleep or am lazy, it means that I will feel like a sloth for the rest of my life.  On the plus side, it means that I can get treatment, that all of this isn't just in my head, and that I'm not as lazy as I think I am.
If the tests come back positive. 
So, for tonight, I'll go to bed.  I'll tuck my covers around my ears.  I'll pray like I did when I was little that there wouldn't be any spiders in my room.  I'll pretend like I'm not afraid.