So, I've been thinking.....
I'm on a quest for betterment. I've come to a point where I've realized that rolling merrily along and hoping that life is but a dream aren't cutting it. I feel like I'm the ambulance driver constantly rushing to the bottom of the cliff to pick up the broken pieces of what might have been if I'd only chosen a different career path--- that of fence builder. There's a lot of mixing of analogies that's going to happen here. Now I'm going to mention how dry my well has gotten. When I was at BYU after my mission, I had such lofty ideals and plans for the future. I went to the temple once a week. I read my scriptures daily. I actually was known to study them and find meaning. My prayers were full of supplication (mostly to get married, because I was getting so very old). I wrote in my journal weekly and sometimes daily (mostly about my dreams of being married and the current boy I was so in love with that I knew someday he'd see me and figure out the next step). I'd like to say I had a great work ethic, but mostly I had FUN being (I can really hardly say working) with some of the best young adults in the world as we pretended to own our corner of campus.
Now I know that I wasn't really living and maybe that's why we cling to that lifestyle for so long. I hardly ever write in my journal any more, because I'm living those dreams I had. I should be writing, because my kids do dang funny things and I should be relating my struggles as I try to overcome my anger issues and my complete ineptitude at being a parent. I should be writing down those rare instances when the Spirit overwhelms me and I know the path I should take, or receive the courage I need to create something.
I also should be pondering and knowing the scriptures. I know them. You can't be immersed in them daily for 15 years and not know them. However, I've lost my connection to them after 13 years of indifference because of exhaustion and any other number of reasons for neglect.
Praying comes and goes. Again, exhaustion rears its ugly head and I fall asleep before I can get down to the business at hand.
The last few Relief Society lessons have been aimed at me. Breaking my pride down. Helping me to remember who I am and what the Lord expects from me. Giving me choices on how to better myself. Sister P. mentioned learning to meditate and that it's a lost art. Imagine. Forcing yourself to be quiet. To let everything go. To think about one thing. I haven't done that in so long I wonder if it's even possible. Is it a wonder my life and house seem such a chaotic mess? If I can't still my mind for 5 minutes, let alone 5 seconds, how will there ever be peace? And in learning how to meditate, maybe I'll learn to study the scriptures again without remembering all of the other things calling my name. How about praying sincerely and deeply again, because I know how to be still and know that God is God?
I've also noticed that as of late, many of the messages presented by President Monson in general conference have been about kindness, gratitude, and charity. There is an obvious need in the world for kindness. We've all become so wrapped up in ourselves that it too, is becoming a lost art. All my life I've been seeking for charity. I really am selfish. I've realized that even the good I do is usually inspired by the thanks and adoration I get from others, or the sense of fulfillment I get when I do it. Sometimes I do it because I love the other person enough and don't think of myself. Our home desperately needs charity. I need to feel the love my Savior has for each of my children. I know that if I saw them as He does, my anger issues wouldn't be so consuming. There would be less of the criticising and far more rejoicing. I might even seek to make Dan's life easier instead of waiting for him to make mine better.
Yesterday I had a sudden thought. Charity is a huge goal. It is one of those gifts that must be asked for, begged for, worked for. It is not innate to our mortal selves. Maybe this is why we have been counselled to find gratitude and kindness. They are some of the first steps to charity. If I can be grateful then my heart is softened and I am in a position to love. I think it takes a certain amount of humility to be thankful, because there is something someone has done for you that you cannot do for yourself. If I am kind, then I am learning to put the feelings and well being of someone else before my own. So, maybe charity is too big a bite for me to swallow right now, but I can learn to be grateful and kind.
Another thing that has affected me lately was from the talk (I think) Elder Eyring gave for the Christmas devotional. He spoke of how at the birth of the Savior, the veils of heaven could no longer restrain the angels and they came pouring forth singing of their joy. Imagine. Joy so immense, it can no longer be held to the plane to which it belongs. I want that. For one minute, one second in life, I would like to feel that joy.
Long story, never made shorter, because I simply can't do that, I need to find ways to be better. I need to relearn somethings: meditation, scripture study, prayer. I need to learn somethings: kindness and gratitude. With a faltering sense of courage I say this, knowing it will be hard and will (gasp) take a lot of work on my part.